ALVARIUS B. - With a Beaker on the Burner and an Otter in the Oven - Vol. 1 Natural Wonder

Alvarius B. on With a Beaker on the Burner and an Otter in the Oven - Vol. 1 Natural Wonder: Volume One of three new LPs I am releasing simultaneously called Natural Wonder, this is the more melodic, savvy one and you might like it. Maybe Im lying and its the innocent, straight record so maybe you should get Vol 3 (ABDT 059C-LP) instead if youre in a darker mood. But thats not really true either. Or maybe its one of those records that grows on you the more you continue playing it... like a cancer. The musicians who played on all three albums dont deserve to be involved in these kamikaze promotional descriptions so dont blame them for any of this. They played so well on these records, in fact they play much better than you do, and their performances deserve a Whammy, which is the awards show where Im in charge and the winners get to shoot members of the music industry academy dead in their seats. Thats where its all headed you know. . . . The modern world of record making has become so fucking dull and obedient that someone has to ram a poison dagger up your asses and since youre all under hypnosis, I promise you wont feel a thing. I could pay Dougie Jones to write this piece to match your intellect or hire a publicity company to promote it but who really gives a fuck? Im still making records for myself and the rest of humanity doesnt speak my language anyway. By deciding to write my own album promos, I can perform some market research. For example, this album description text will undoubtedly be copy/pasted by most online retailers onto their respective sites because they dont write their own new album reviews or get too excited about music, they simply want to create the illusion that theyre in business to sell records. So I could put something like: Fuck all website retailers that copy/paste this description onto their site because they are too fucking cheap, lazy or chicken shit to have an opinion to write individual album reviews -- and they probably wouldnt even notice while doing it. Anyway, back to my new album. These songs are pretty good, most likely way better than your songs, and I dont even have time to be a real songwriter, so what does that say about you? It says that you suck. And most of you do. But you should buy my new three album set because its probably as good or better than any other LPs that will be released this year. But if you arent ready to go all-in with confidence, then forget it. I dont want any mudskipper sub-species of the crayfish to buy my records. There are always a few speculators wholl pick up the extra copies you wont buy anyway." One-time pressing; Includes printed inner sleeve with lyrics and credits." - Abduction.