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Artist: ALVARIUS B.
Title: With a Beaker on the Burner and an Otter in the Oven - Vol. 1 Natural Wonder
Format: LP
Label: Abduction
Country: USA
Price: $20.00
"Alvarius B. on With a Beaker on the Burner and an Otter in the Oven - Vol. 1 Natural Wonder: "Volume One of three new LPs I am releasing simultaneously called Natural Wonder, this is the more melodic, savvy one and you might like it. Maybe Im lying and its the innocent, straight record so maybe you should get Vol 3 (ABDT 059C-LP) instead if youre in a darker mood. But thats not really true either. Or maybe its one of those records that grows on you the more you continue playing it... like a cancer. The musicians who played on all three albums dont deserve to be involved in these kamikaze promotional descriptions so dont blame them for any of this. They played so well on these records, in fact they play much better than you do, and their performances deserve a Whammy, which is the awards show where Im in charge and the winners get to shoot members of the music industry academy dead in their seats. Thats where its all headed you know. . . . The modern world of record making has become so fucking dull and obedient that someone has to ram a poison dagger up your asses and since youre all under hypnosis, I promise you wont feel a thing. I could pay Dougie Jones to write this piece to match your intellect or hire a publicity company to promote it but who really gives a fuck? Im still making records for myself and the rest of humanity doesnt speak my language anyway. By deciding to write my own album promos, I can perform some market research. For example, this album description text will undoubtedly be copy/pasted by most online retailers onto their respective sites because they dont write their own new album reviews or get too excited about music, they simply want to create the illusion that theyre in business to sell records. So I could put something like: Fuck all website retailers that copy/paste this description onto their site because they are too fucking cheap, lazy or chicken shit to have an opinion to write individual album reviews -- and they probably wouldnt even notice while doing it. Anyway, back to my new album. These songs are pretty good, most likely way better than your songs, and I dont even have time to be a real songwriter, so what does that say about you? It says that you suck. And most of you do. But you should buy my new three album set because its probably as good or better than any other LPs that will be released this year. But if you arent ready to go all-in with confidence, then forget it. I dont want any mudskipper sub-species of the crayfish to buy my records. There are always a few speculators wholl pick up the extra copies you wont buy anyway." One-time pressing; Includes printed inner sleeve with lyrics and credits." - Abduction.

Artist: ALVARIUS B.
Title: With a Beaker on the Burner and an Otter in the Oven - Vol. 2 A Mark Twain August
Format: LP
Label: Abduction
Country: USA
Price: $20.00
"Alvarius B. on With a Beaker on the Burner and an Otter in the Oven - Vol. 2 A Mark Twain August: "This is Volume Two of my new three LP set, and its called A Mark Twain August. Now dont go asking me what the fuck that title means but I will say that it may be my favorite of the three. My fans, all 133 of them, are pretty smart. I used to think only 67 people mattered on earth, now it could be far less, but its beginning to trouble me how Ive actually accumulated 133 fans. So if youre not a moron, I dont mind if you buy this record. I made more copies than I have fans so I need to expand on the audience a bit but I dont want fucking idiots buying my albums. A brand new car loses value the moment you drive it home, but my records will always go up in value (like my Dodge Ram Van which tripled in value when I drove it off the lot) so this is also an investment opportunity. If you were to walk slowly on a hot bed of coals you may discover that Don McLean never actually drove his Chevy to the levy and that the singer-songwriter is dead, just like all the poets. What do contemporary poets and the entire Indonesian population have in common? Most of you cannot name even one of them. Homo Sapiens now love to complain and act as if they know how the world works by expressing themselves on their social media networks -- thats become the new poetry. And I think there are only nine people writing songs today that I respect, Id have to check to make sure. And the Thinking Fellars were a great band -- I could name a dozen more from the past 30 years that Id call contemporaries, but thats about it. . . . And I almost forgot to mention that Mark Twains old banjo appears on this record. Oh and this is better than that Wolf King of LA album by Papa John Phillips, for all those who got mesmerized by it 30 years after it came out. Theres only three or four good tracks on that and A Mark Twain August has six great tracks on it, at least. One-time pressing; Includes printed inner sleeve with lyrics and credits." - Abduction.

Artist: ALVARIUS B.
Title: With a Beaker on the Burner and an Otter in the Oven - Vol. 3 Heathen Folklore
Format: LP
Label: Abduction
Country: USA
Price: $20.00
"Alvarius B. on With a Beaker on the Burner and an Otter in the Oven - Vol. 3 Heathen Folklore: "Serial killing was one of historys greatest art forms. Now its becoming almost impossible to get a skull-drilling startup off the ground unless you murder for the corporations or governments where you have highly organized protection from any enforceable law but at the expense of sacrificing all the glory for the anonymity required to maintain employment. So, unfortunately, the days of any zit topography random commoner being able to string together a few killings to hit the big time before being caught has almost come to an end. Sad. This record, the third and final volume of my new three-LP set called Heathen Folklore, could serve as somewhat of a manual of inspiration on how one could start such a career, as risky and unpopular as it is. It gets much more fucked-up than the previous two LPs, and sometimes I think its the best one due to that aspect. Id have to give it one more listen but I also think this is the LP with coded messages that could trigger an unsuspecting listener to start his/her career in extreme behavior. But killing isnt everything you know. There are many more ways to express yourself and reach the top of the charts these days. In fact, I saw Burt Bacharach three weeks ago gripping a huge fucking machete while chasing modern dance music architects off his champion ship and into deep water where they hopefully became shark bait. And to set the record straight, Jimi Hendrix did not fake his death and become Morgan Freeman nor was Hunter S. Thompson directing snuff films. But most of that other weird shit you hear about these days is probably true. And Im working on a film called Being Alvarius B. where all of you loser fucks crawl into my brain and see yourselves from my perspective and then commit collective suicide because you finally realize I was right all along. And I am. Cant wait to make more albums so I can write these album descriptions. Cocksuckers." One-time pressing; Includes printed inner sleeve with lyrics and credits." - Abduction.

Artist: ALVARIUS B.
Title: Alvarius B vs Abdel Baqy Byro in Cairo
Format: LP
Label: Nashazphone
Country: Egypt
Price: $24.00
"Seemingly tossed-off spontaneity is the intoxicant with which Alvarius B vs Abdel Baqy Byro in Cairo is heavily laced. This 39-minute lenticular collage recalls Tangier-era Burroughs in its concealment of structure behind a veneer of arbitrary free association, with Alvarius B. delivering his take on contemporary behavioral dementia in a style that veers from the nocturnal yammer of legendary somniloquist Dion McGregor to salty neo-Yossarian ravings to the casual vitriol of a misanthrope who knows hes entertaining. Its the kind of trip a modern-day Slothrup might take after smoking polyester shrubbery and over-indulging in candiru sushi served by an erotic topiary gardener in exile for masturbating on the wall outside a 19th Century French orphanage - overseen by The Sinister Extemporizer himself, Alan Bishop. It was recorded live all over Cairo (in cars, trains, apartments, garages, cafes, bars, on rooftops, on the street) with a backline that includes little else beyond an acoustic guitar and a radio. Field recordings, glitchy wheeze underpinnings, and snippets of space murble garnish the album, but site-specific stuffing is what gives this kataif its particular flavor: a rapped tribute to the murdered members of a hardcore soccer fan-club; a pas de deux for laptop keyboard and BBCs coverage of Gaza bombings; public demonstrations against the Muslim-Brotherhood-authored Constitution; Monte Carlo Arabic Services mention of the 70th anniversary of El Alamein battle. Bishops quilt of screenshots depicts a consciousness informed by an increasingly universal presumption that everything public should be interactive, if only to act as a vessel for contempt. An urbane cannibal fills the twilight bazaar with bacterial karaoke and falsetto bleating slicker than a goats uterus before disappearing into the crowd at Snottys Chill-Out Pentagram. Turn a corner and its an improv duet for acoustic guitar and the pachyderm grind of dirty delivery trucks. All around is mysteriously auto-tuned, proto-mahragan RnB crooning right out of a Saharan cellphone rave. A blue-blood places a call to an amplified insect tantrum, and is eavesdropped upon by a seductress loop. Delusional arms suppliers mansplain, as is their wont, and a beautifully dismissive monologue reduces music writers to literary dumbwaiters. The Invisible Hands take a moment to get in touch with their inner Sex Pistol. Prerecorded announcements are abused, quite comedically - the implication being that the only qualifications needed to engage in public discourse (telegenics and a piehole) are grossly insufficient. Alan Bishop stands before you not to praise anything (especially not the pathetic aesthetic championed by pork brosnans and Illuminati blood-drinkers stumbling from one end of their bleachy little swamp to the other, where mediocre meets bland and no amount of chlamydia-flavored tofutti with ground up glass in it will protect them from the constant tularemia rain), but to bury it, deep on the shoreline of Dunning-Kruger, a parting gift from The Sibling Unmoored as he withdraws in disgust. Maybe hell return after Ramadan, if only to crack open whats left of their skulls like crème brulée, harvest the enlarged amygdala, and render tiny portraits of Pepe The Frog onto their lacerated morgellons. Maybe not." -Seymour Glass California, USA September 2016.

Artist: ALVARIUS B.
Title: Sorban Palid
Format: 7"
Label: Poon Village
Country: USA
Price: $8.00
"Unearthed from a very shallow grave: limited edition screenprinted tour-giveaway 7"s from Alvarius B.s East Coast 2014 tour, featuring artwork by Byron Coley." - Poon Village.

APES AHOY
by Byron Coley

Its amazing every one pretends
perhaps wishing a billion post-marsupials could
just stand in for most aspects of self motivation
procedures of the masters which bear the mark of
a masters golden inevitable apocalypse.
But lets just be content, we hairy bums
impaling, as though we had tusks
the current whatever some lazy music journalist writes.
Creating, in the process, more differences between
Amuletian Snares than anyone from the future could imagine.
But when they visit our continually pounded planet...
they will realize only 6 visions really happen --
Their replication of a weekend
Your weekend.
Your show business.
Your expense.
Much more feces.
Blogging and spewing by music pipsqueak fanboys who cant know.
And in not knowing, those present
may see the future.
shall we begin again.

Artist: ALVARIUS B.
Title: Chin Spirits (Durga)
Format: 10"
Label: Unrock
Country: Germany
Price: $25.00
"Unrocks Saraswati series continues with a trip into the spiritual wonderland of Alvarius B. aka Alan Bishop (Sun City Girls, Invisible Hands). Deep down, heavy, Sun-City-Girls-flavored Dada deluxe. Crackling midgets, purist psychedelia. A cocoon of seven colorful, shiny monoliths of essential nonsense, each dirty pearl standing by itself. Limited edition one-time pressing." - Unrock.

by artist / 0-9    A    B    C    D    E    F    G    H    I    J    K    L    M    N    O    P    Q    R    S    T    U    V    W    X    Y    Z    V/A \   by label